Sunday, April 25, 2010

Bus Poem - Lostness

This week's driver is the fantabulous Argent, and you'll find more examples of bus poems on that blog... here. The prompt was to write about being lost, or about strange relatives. Too many of my strange relatives read this for comfort, so I wrote a little lost Villanelle, but it got lost along the way, and I lost some of the repeats needed for a proper structure, they just annoyed me too much



16 comments:

crazyfieldmouse said...

I had to look up Villanelle in the dictionary. I wouldn't worry that it didn't work to the exact plan, I felt the rhymes and repeats worked beautifully, it had a haunting atmosphere and, although you use 'we', it felt lonely.
thanks for sharing
cfm

Karen said...

I love the villanelle and know how hard it is to write! This one creates a whole dark, dangerous, and frightening world where we must cling together as we "tread on blindly." I love the word choices that create this world:

Lost sure as sadness...
in creeping pessimism...
Dead twigs break silent, damp...
a thousand bad breaks...
we walk the dark...

and my favorite word: "cloys" speaks volumes

I'd love to know the story behind this one.

Argent said...

Another very scary poem this week. I too enjoyed the repeats and rhymings. Must find out about villanelles at some point, they sound interesting.

Argent said...

PS The other bus passengers are all here.

Rachel Fox said...

I like this. Sorry - too tired to say anything more complicated.
x

Peter Goulding said...

I once wrote a 16 line poem and people said I should have made it a sonnet. Why?
Similarly, if as poem works well but doesn't fall into a particular rhyming structure, does that lessen its worth as a poem?
Personally I think a strict villanelle has a tendency to over-repeat itself. This is much better.

Titus said...

There is an sense of unease about the whole thing that works with breaking the villanelle structure very well.
These two sections I really loved;

"Can hear cross distance – the loud voices, boys
As they sing loudly, laughing at their ease
We walk the dark, our feet making no noise"

and

"An owl in creeping pessimism, destroys
With her shrill voice, all hope of any peace"

Then those final two lines. Memorable.

NanU said...

I feel very strange now, like I want to get rid of that cloying life stuff that won't quit dragging me down. But is it my own? Do I dare, or would I tread all-too-silently forever after?

Niamh B said...

Thanks CFM - have decided I'm going to work my way through the poetic forms section on wikipedia! expect more craziness.
Thanks Karen - especially for liking the word cloys - the story was going to be about searching for the car after a concert, having exited the wrong gate and walking through dark fields of cars and drunk people for 2 hours, but it just ended up mingling in with a lot of other thoughts.
Thanks Argent! And that's for the great prompts! Lovely driving.
Thanks Rachel - I know the feeling! Much appreciate the comment.
Thanks Peter - it's true - rules and forms (in poetry and creativity terms) are made to be broken I think, ok maybe in real life too... sometimes.
Thanks Titus, I think using the villanelle did make it a more interesting poem than it might've otherwise been, you're very kind.
Ah NanU - some stuff sticks, some cloys, some slides off. It's all good!!

the watercats said...

why has this weeks prompting spaked off so many dark poems!?... it's really interesting..
I loved reading this, it brought to mind all those moments as a kid being laone in woods, imaginations running wild... and the prospect that there could be something hunting you.. I don't even know what a villanelle is?.. so I'll take your word that it almost was one :-)

Niamh B said...

Hey,

Thanks Watercats, yep - wikipedia's yer only man for teaching the poetry

The Bug said...

For some reason this reminds me of something from Dune (the book? the movie? just my husband reciting it incessantly?): "It is by will alone that I put my mind in motion." I don't know why, but the rhythm of this & the dogged determination to make it to your destination brings this phrase to mind.

Which is a roundabout way of saying that you captured that lost feeling VERY well!

Dominic Rivron said...

Like it. Must have a go at a villanelle. It's been ages. But you're right - it can be quite an annoying experience!

Niamh B said...

Thanks Bug, yep Dune was a creepy one, can't say I've seen it in years and years though.
And thanks Dominic, yeah, I think I've yet to read one where not one of the repetitions annoyed the hell out of me, any recommendations welcome.

swiss said...

that's just rhyme-y-tastic. nicely done!

Niamh B said...

Thank you Swiss :-)