Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Professional PFOs

I have decided to offer my services - to 3 perspective markets

1. Magazines that get millions of submissions for publication, and want to get a better reputation for PFOing on time and in an interesting way.
2. Writers out there who want to practise getting a PFO in a safe friendly environment.
3. Writers who need the thrill or kick of a PFO to get em up off their lazy bums and back in the writing saddle in an "I'll show them" kinda way.

As I said in my post a couple of days ago PFOs can put a fire in your belly - especially if they come in threes, but I believe a single PFO, if creatively crafted, might be enough on its own to get ya goin, and what's more I can perform this service for you for a very small fee saving you all the effort of actually entering something, and I promise to undercut the price of the competition you would have sent the piece to by at least 50 cent.

So go on and send me your stuff for PFOing to, - leave in the comments if needs be, (yes I'll accept online submissions!!)

Some free samples of my work are below:

1. My dog has written better.

2. I was so dissappointed with the low standard of submissions that I've had to write the pieces for this issue of the magazine myself and put them under false names.

3. Your writing is a kitten's meow on a motorway.

4. I cna't evne tpey I'm laghuing so hraaad!

5. It smelt wrong, the envelope you used was the wrong colour, I decided it would be safer for all concerned to incinerate the work.

6. You should shop online from now on- seriously - I wouldn't trust you to write a grocery list.

7. My hyperactive 3 year old fell asleep while I read the first paragraph aloud.

8. When did you write this? What were you taking at the time?

9. It was all about me, wasn't it? I'm not going to publish your salacious gossip, I don't care how true it is.

10. Unfortunately your work exceeded the random vowel count that I have decided to use as my basis for rejection today.

Other ideas for good PFOs? feel free to include em in the comments...


Totalfeckineejit said...

The ones I hate most are the ones that take a lifetime to tell you to PFO ,they leave you to stew thinking every thought under the rainbow from 'no news is good news' to 'did they even receive it'

Take a bow Cyphers who took a whole year to tell me to 'please fuck off' If it had been an acceptance it could have been a posthumous one by then.

Even more galling the editors put THEIR OWN poems in.

I very very rarely submit and only to a handful of mags. Cyphers isn't one of them.

Anybody out there got that beat timewise?

Bernard O'Leary said...

"Thank you for your recent submisson. We have forwarded it to An Roinn Oideachas as evidence of the need for massive and immediate investment in Primary School literacy programs."

The Dead Acorn said...

"You may wish to submit your 'work' to a native language publication rather than having it translated through"

Niamh B said...

Thanks TFE - top prize to Cyphers for indecision then. I don't think I've ever sent them anything, but you never know - might try em now, just to see whether they've improved.
Editors putting their own poems in - to be fair I assume they're told to do that by the owners? no? popular demand? no?
Tks Bernard - am likin that one, especially the little thank you at the start - polite openers always get my hopes up!

Thanks Acorn, Babelfish eh? might use that... can't do any harm...

Ross said...

We would love to publish your poem, but such is its quality that it would make the rest of our magazine appear sub-standard.

Niamh B said...

Thanks Ross, yes I get that one ALOT as well!

Titus said...

I'm not submitting enough, obviously. I want some of these!

1. We suggest that in future you write in your first language.

2. If you agree not to submit to our magazine again we will humanely destroy your work, rather than leaving it in the toilets for our staff to laugh at.

3. Some people achieve fame posthumously, their work being ahead of its time. Please be assured yours will not.

Niamh B said...

Titus, lovely stuff! Thanks

the watercats said...

hhhmmm... I'm intrigued by this new emotive force.. I must send some stuff off and explore the darkness of this thing... for purely artistc reasons don't you know!

Niamh B said...

It's the only way Watercats!! Go get em!

Emerging Writer said...

I have been rejected 3 times this week too. Ah misery, where is thy fire?

Thank you for letting us share your work. We don't like it. We don't know you. We don't want to know you. We can't be bothered to go and see you read anywhere, ever. We didn't go to school/college/Starbucks/Australia with you/your parents/your children. You don't have an MFA/personal recommendation from a famous writer/big boobs/independent means. Go away and stopping writing.

Niamh B said...

It must just be the time of year for it, Summer's here, time to break hearts!!!