Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Camel to Specsavers

I know, in this day and age, it's hard being a Camel owner, trying to guess the rights and wrongs of their care, afterall - they don't come with a manual - here is a small piece of advice, for those who are seeking it.

A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Camel to Specsavers

Don't bring your camel to spec savers

You know he's not the best behaver

He's a diva, this ungulate, attention craver

He spits in the eye of opticians


His hooves are no good for handling contacts

He frowns at the sunglasses, chomps like a mastax

left loose on a rotifiers lunch, always detracts

from the mood in that home of good vision


He won't like the opthalmascope, it'll soon make him grump

He'll complain of the tonometer, call the whole place a dump

And forgive the pun here, but he will get the hump

He'll cause dents in the fence with allision


Your sweet dromedary wouldn't say "This is class"

engulfed not in sand, but with frameworks of glass

So better leave him at home, leave his whole biomass

No Specsavers for your Camel today


120 Socks said...

When do I buy the book??? Another genius creation!

the watercats said...

any poem with 'ungulate' in it is a good one by me!

NanU said...

b but what if your camel -needs- specs? Letting him stumble around the house half blind is quite disastrous.

Dominic Rivron said...

And why not? There's a whole gentre here - warnings against things we don't need to be warned against. It would be fun to think up more.

Dominic Rivron said...

Oh, and...

Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed dromedary?

It thought it was a bactrian.

Kat Mortensen said...

@Dominic - Ha ha ha!

@Niamh - I kept waiting for the word "bactrian" to pop up.

"Spits in the eye of opticians" was my favourite line. (Followed closely by "get the hump".

Ever see the movie "Ishtar"? I know it's one of the lowest-rated films of all time, but for some reason it really makes me laugh. There's a great scene with Charles Grodin and a camel.


Gerry Snape said...

Our's are standing in the window looking out longingly for some wise men...[ care of potter!]

Titus said...

Biomass! Allision. Mastax!
Key words in this work for me.

You have got, got, got to turn these into a book.

Is it poems in shops time yet?! I'm so excited.

The Dead Acorn said...

There’s not enough room, not like an oasis
Camels get nervous in such confined spaces
He’d fall in the machinery after knocking a shelf
And make a spectacle out of himself.

"Mastax?" This series should be used in English classes ... I've learned more words from these poems than I did in all three of my sophomore years.

Emerging Writer said...

Ah Wednesday wouldn't be Wednesday without some cracking rhymes. And Wednesday wouldn't be Wednesday without a camel. Remind me to show you my pen.

Totalfeckineejit said...

I ate a Camel once.Or was it a Mars Bar?One or the other. Anyways these dissuaders have gone from brilliant to brillianter! This might be my fave so far!Despite having to reach continuously for the dictionary!

Niamh B said...

Tks Socks - surely will be out for next yrs xmas market.
Watercats - it's gutsier than undulate isn't it?
NanU - you're too soft on the animals - leave him at home and go and get his perscription for him
Definitely Dominic - I'm getting a weekly poem out of it for the last half a year, so plenty of mileage - lovely camel joke.
Hi Kat, sorry I didn't get bactrian in there. There's always something. No can't remember Ishtar - must youtube the scene
Gerry - never even thought of the seasonality/ wise men issue, we used have a couple at home too.
Tks Titus, I'll at least do a tour through a shopping centre reading the relevant poems in the relevant shops. Poems in shops is almost upon us!!!!!!!!!!!!! (it's gonna be hard to find shops open this year though)
Acorn - sometimes I really wish you had thought of this instead of me, You'd do such a better job at it!!! brilliant. And thanks, I'm just blessed with a massive vocabulary with handy rhymes.
Thanks EW - show me your Pen!!
Glad you're enjoying them TFE, some weeks are harder than others, having known one or two short sighted camels in my time, this one was particularly harrowing

Dominic said...

Keeping you going for the last year? Doh! Of course it has! I've just had a look back... My only excuse is I haven't blogged properly for weeks.

Niamh B said...

Haha, no worries Dominic, tis only a bit of fluff, a silly little outburst to get me through the week