Sunday, January 31, 2010

Dominic's challenge

Getting in early for Dominic's challenge - we had to listen to a piece of "music" and write whatever occured... here's what happened... Click here for more on the Challenge - It's not too late for you to join in! (and you can hardly do worse than me! :-) )

Messages, Pictures & Poems

A gaping gap, a sleeking sap flows down

A stainless steel tree

The waves surprise, faint shudders, sighs, frowns,

Tie in the listener – He

is frozen while a dozen slow things

Crawl over his aching bones

The noise goes on, the boys all gone

Messages, pictures and poems

Arrive daily on reflective screens

Tears glisten on shiny old cheek

The leathery skin keeps them out

Eyes bathed in punishing doubt

He keens



Memory laughs – glimpses a half – when only birds

Twittered, singing dawn joy perpetual.

And virus attacks meant hours in bed sacks

Not blank screens deader than usual. No.

And only love mattered, and real walls

were spattered with

messages, pictures and poems


13 comments:

Uiscebot said...

nice poem, quite sad really. I'm gonna give this a bash cheers.

the watercats said...

I like the rhythm of this poem and the nice space within it... melancholy and dark... :-)

Dominic Rivron said...

This reminded me for some reason of EM Forster's story, "The Machine Stops".

Liked the contrast between computer screens and real walls.

Thanks: I'll put a link to it on my blog in my ghost road berlin challenge post.

Niamh B said...

Look forward to reading what you come up with Uisce
Thanks Watercats... I like the van pic - twas a dark bit of music.
Thanks Dominic - good challenge! keep em coming! :-)

Rachel Fox said...

I like your stainless steel tree!
x

Titus said...

Oh, these ones are so interesting! Same piece of music?

I loved the opening and all the internal rhymes, and then that "No." and the last sentence with "real walls"

Quite chilling. Impressive response to the prompt. I just got wind and waves and bells!

Niamh B said...

Thanks Rachel! told you metal would be the theme.
Tks Titus, glad you enjoyed it. All from the same prompt.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Mitag eisen- metal.

swiss said...

i really liked the line 'when only birds twittered', it really caught my eye. you've lots of nice wee bits like that in this. i liked it a lot

Niamh B said...

Thanks Swiss - had mixed feelings on whether to even put it up, glad i did now.
Tks TFE - insightful commentary as always :-)

Poetikat said...

It will be hard to eradicate that image of the stainless steel tree.

I can get into this mindset.

Kat

Argent said...

I like the stainless steel tree too and pretty echo what other have said here. Glad you put the poem up in the end.

Niamh B said...

Ah Thanks Muchly Kat & Argent :-)