Thursday, October 6, 2011

Nutella on the other side of the jaffa cake

Readers familiar with my poems to dissuade series will know that lack of a need for a certain public service will not put me off attempting to provide it - so here, in the interests of public health and well-being, is a list of what I deem to be inappropriate uses for nutella or choconussa as you might know it, depending on where you shop. I haven't tested out all of these ideas, so can only promise that on mature reflection, these uses seem to be the least likely to bring you success.

1. Buttering the non chocolate side of the jaffa cake - this idea is what got me thinking about the rest of the uses I deem inappropriate.... sounds delicious but wrong.
2. Nor should you eat all the chocolate off the outside of a mars bar and insert nutella between the nougat and caramel layers.
3. Do not use as toothpaste.
4. It will not work well as nappy cream.
5. Nor does it function as window cleaner.
6. It's abilities as a cavity insulator are limited.
7. It is not recommended in the field of shining shoes.
8. At best it is very poor as a nasal decongestant.
9. Do not try it as an NCT disc adhesive.
10. When tiling - grout is probably a better option for sticking the tiles to the wall.

Glueing Ferrero Rocher's together in a pyramid is only to be advised if you are extremely skilled and artistic and want to impress all your friends.

Anyway - contrary to all evidence to the contrary, I am not online at the moment, the lead is still en route... I watch ye from a far dear friends... (whatever you do, don't try it as hair gel)


Rachel Fox said...

Some unpleasant imagery. Thank you.

Gerry Snape said...

I always keep a sneaky jar at the back of the food cupboard...just for those emergency know what I mean!

Domestic Oub said...

I have never liked Nutella - u have just provided me with many more reasons why it is bad. Thank you.

the watercats said...

It's absolutely useless as piles ointment too. FACT!...

martine said...

I miss your dissuasion poems, it's been ages.
Nutella is best just eaten off a spoon, any other use is a waste. I can remember the time when it was not available in this country and we only had it on holiday in France. And I love the way they have repurposing of their packaging, over the years we have had a collection of nutella glasses and nutella bowls
much love

The Dead Acorn said...

I've never tried Nutella, and never really had the urge to, until reading this. It somehow reminds me of my mother telling me, as just a wee tyke, not to stick that knife in the outlet.

Niamh B said...

Ah yes Rachel - once the ideas start coming it's hard to stop them.
I know exactly what you mean Gerry, but the jar being in the house is enough usually to make it one of those days every day.
Oub, Nooooo!! It's lovely stuff, just no good at general household problems.
cats - I've tested the jaffa cake one, but other than that it's just my opinion - hopefully yours is too?
Martine - it really has, but after 40 odd it was hard to keep the enthusiasm going... And yes, nutella rocks, and the clever packaging, making you all the more excited to empty it!! We're all suckers for marketing really.
Oh acorn you haven't lived, you must. But like the knife, i'd say to use it carefully, and probably not to stick it in the outlet either. Good luck